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Excerpted from :
The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them
by Michele Borba Jossey-Bass Publishers; April 2005. ISBN 0-7879-7662-8
“It’s mine.” “But I had it first.” “I want a turn!” Sound familiar? All parents want their kids to “play nice” by sharing, taking turns, and cooperating with their friends. After all, it means their child is learning how to socialize and get along. It also signifies a big moment in moral development and social growth since once a child can share it means he’s transitioned from the “egocentric” stage (in which the world basically revolves around him and his needs). He can consider the needs and feelings of others which is so essential to making and keeping friends.
Learning to share, take turns, and cooperate doesn't always happen by chance: some kids need a lot more reminders. But just telling kids to “play nice” doesn’t change behavior: you need to show them how to share and help them understand why it is important that they do so. Sharing is one of the first social skills kids learn, so it’s also one of the most important. Without the ability to share and take turns, your child’s friendship quotient will be greatly jeopardized. After all, who wants to be with a kid who hoards the video games? And when will they learn those skills if not now: college, the work place, relationships and marriage will be too late. Here are ten strategies you can use to start boosting this essential friendship building skill with your child right now.
The best way kids learn isn’t by our lectures but showing them. So let your child see you sharing and taking turns so they have a model to copy. Make a point of offering them the biggest portion of desert, offer to share your favorite slippers or funny hat your kid loves to put on, take an evening to share your time with kids, the most precious commodity you may have as far as they are concerned.
Instead of telling your kids to share, show them how to take turns. Get on the floor with your little one – and gently roll a rubber ball back and forth between you. As you do, say “My turn, now it’s your turn. Roll it back to Mommy.” Your child will begin to get the idea that sharing means taking turns. For older kids, dust off those old game boards such as Monopoly, Clue, Chutes and Ladders, Checkers then graduate to playing catch, Frisbee, videogames, and ultimately work projects in the home, yard, or community.
Tell your child that you expect him to share. Right before a friend arrives is the best time to remind him: "Karen will be here shortly so let's set out the toys you’d like to share and think she would enjoy.” “Remember, sharing is not an option. I expect you to share.” "Sam's coming soon so remember our rule about being considerate of your friends."
Stress the value of sharing. Pointing out the impact sharing has on the other child boosts the likelihood that your child will repeat the behavior. “Did you see Kali’s smile when you shared your toys? You made her happy.” “Joshua really enjoyed coming over because you were such a nice host and shared the equipment.”
It’s also a good idea to emphasize that you may share only items that belong to you; otherwise, permission must be granted from the owner. “That belongs to my brother, so it’s not something I can share.” “That’s my dad’s. We have to ask him before we can use it.”
Rehearse the right way. “Instead of grabbing the toy, tell your brother that you’d like a turn. Now you try.” “Pretend I’m you’re friend. Ask me what I’d like to do.” “Let’s try that again so you give your friend a chance to play with the bubble blower.”
Use role reversal. When your child doesn’t share, ask her to put herself in the other child’s place. “Put yourself in your friend’s shoes. What do you think he’d like to say to you about the time he spent watching you on the computer all afternoon?” Doing so is one way to help your child shift from thinking about herself and ponder how her friends feel.
Telling your child to put away any toys he does not want to share before his guest arrives actually promotes sharing, especially in five- to nine-year-olds.After all, there are certain possessions that are very special to your child, so putting those items away before a guest arrives minimizes potential friend conflicts. Then say: “Anything you leave out and things you have to share.”
One way to help kids understand the value of sharing is to find opportunities to rotate different family roles and privileges so each family member gets a turn. Possibilities might be rotating chores, choosing the nightly television show, movie, video rental, family outing, dessert, or even sitting in the coveted “hot seat” (front passenger seat of the car).
Despite all your efforts, your kid still continues to hoard and refuses to share, it’s time to set a natural consequence. Some teachers set one classroom rule, and it works wonders: “If you don’t share, you don’t play.” The rule can work for any age. Another idea is if your child refuses to share an item, the toy is given a “time-out” for a specified time. When “time out” is up, the denied friend gets first option on the toy. For older kids try a great teacher rule: “If you don’t share, the other person takes two turns in a row.”
Remember, simple changes can reap big results. So don’t give up until you see the changes in your child. Then congratulate yourself for your efforts and recognize that they paid off.
is a renowned educational consultant who has worked with more than one million parents and teachers over the course of her career, and is the recipient of the National Educator Award. She serves on honorary board to Parents magazine and has appeared as a guest expert on Today, The Early Show, The View, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, and NPR. She is the award-winning author of 20 books including PARENTS DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE, NO MORE MISBEHAVIN’, BUILDING MORAL INTELLIGENCE, DON’T GIVE ME THAT ATTITUDE!, and NOBODY LIKES ME, EVERYBODY HATES ME (all Jossey-Bass). She is a credentialed expert, former teacher, and mom who can address topics of concern to parents of young children and teenagers alike. For more information about her work see .
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