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co-author of "The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purspose"
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 About Armin Brott
, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby,Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and PoliticallyIncorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at .
A nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott is the author of Father for Life, The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be; The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year, A Dad’s Guide to the Toddler Years, Throwaway Dads , and The Single Father: A Dad’s Guide to Parenting without a Partner. He has written on parenting and fatherhood for the New York Times Magazine, The Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland, California. Visit Armin at . See all of Armin's books: http://mrdad.com/store/
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Armin Brott's Articles
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By Armin Brott |
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By Armin Brott
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The Great Crib Escape
www.mrdad.com
Dear Mr. Dad:
A: Start by thinking about her environment in larger and larger circles, from the crib to the door. First, the crib. There get rid of all those bumpers (those oh-so-cute fabric pads that used to protect your baby from banging her head against the inside of the crib). Bumpers make great stepping stones for climbers. Also, take all those big stuffed animals, pillows, and heavy comforters out of the crib. These items were dangerous as suffocation hazards when your baby was small. Now that she’s bigger, they’re tickets to freedom.
Start by explaining to your child that this is her very own, safe, special bed, and that she can sleep there all night, just like Mommy and Daddy do in their bed. Then, if you haven’t done it already, adjust the crib’s mattress so it’s at the setting closest to the floor. If the lower mattress and lack of climbing materials still don't prevent escape, you have a few options.
You might consider buying one of the commercially available safety nets that fit over the top of the crib like a large dome. These nets always seem a little like you’re imprisoning your child, but they’re a temporary solution (they’re also excellent for keeping roaming pets out of the crib).
If safety nets aren’t your style, consider installing a gate across her doorway or using a doorknob safety cover that your child won’t be able to open. If you go this route, though, be absolutely sure that your child’s room is completely childproofed.
As your child approaches two, she’ll begin associating climbing and jumping with the possibility of falling, and may become more cautious on her own. You can help the process along by reminding her—“Remember how you fell down and bumped your head and cried?"
Whatever you do, don’t just give up and put pillows around the crib, as some people do. Because pillows can shift around and expose the bare floor, this is not a good long-term solution.
The next step is a "big girl bed," which can be a mattress on the floor or a twin bed. The twin bed should be pushed against the wall, with a bed rail on the outside. This all applies until it is time for potty learning, when the world gets even bigger!
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of . His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby,Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and PoliticallyIncorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at . |
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By Armin Brott
Author of The New Father and The Expectant Father
About 90 percent of couple’s experiences an increase in stress after their children are born. And the number one stressor, by far, is the division of labor in the home. Unfortunately, even the most egalitarian couples tend to slip into traditional roles, which mean that you’ll probably end up doing more of the housework and childcare than your partner. Research shows that the more equitably domestic tasks are distributed, the happier wives (and husbands) are with their marriages. So resolving these issues may be critical to the health and success of your relationship. How are you going to do it? Well, if your goal is to make the division of labor around your house fairer to you, take a deep breath and read on.
1. Look at it from his perspective
Researchers have found that women tend to measure what their husbands do around the house against what they do. Not surprisingly, on that kind of scale, most men fail miserably. Men themselves, though, compare what they do to what their fathers—and sometimes even against their male friends and coworkers—do. Using this standard, most husbands feel pretty satisfied with themselves and their contributions around the house.
2. Don’t ask for help
Just as men need to re-think their family roles as "assistants" to mothers, women need to change their ideas about what's reasonable to expect from their partners. Asking him for “help” only reinforces the view that he shouldn’t have much responsibility for the care and management of children. Of course, that doesn’t you shouldn’t ask him to do his share, of course he should. Asking for “help” makes it seem like whatever he's "helping" with is really your job and that you should be grateful.
3. Adjust your standards
Let's face it, men and women often have very different standards. "When my husband says the kitchen is clean he means that the dishes are in the dishwasher," says one mother. "The counter can still be filthy and the floor can still be covered with dirt." Adjusting your standards to his level doesn't mean that the kids will be wearing the same clothes every day. Also, there are a lot of different ways to change diapers, play, teach, and entertain the children. Yours isn't always the right one. The fact is that if you adjust your standards, your husband will be more involved in the household and with the kids. No child ever suffered a long term trauma by having her diaper put on a bit looser than it should be or by going out of the house with oatmeal stuck in her hair. It's hard to shift standards because for many women attention to domestic issues is part of their upbringing and part of they define themselves.
4. Go on strike
The days of the "second shift" where women try to do it all—work outside all day and do all the work at home, too—are over. Let your spouse or partner know that you have limits. A well-timed "your arm's not broken, do it yourself" may occasionally be a helpful reminder that men and women are partners in parenting.
Because you may begin to notice the unswept coffee grounds before he does, one of your biggest challenges may be to close your eyes to the mess and stick to your guns. Your partner will certainly get the message when he runs out of clean underwear. But if he senses that you’ll give in before he does, he’ll never learn to do his part.
5. Be (a little) insincere
As a group, men generally dislike doing things that make them feel incompetent. At the same time, they’re suckers for compliments. So, one of the best ways to get your partner to do something he doesn’t like to do is to praise him even when you know you could do it better. Television characters from Lucy Ricardo to Roseanne Conner figured this out long ago, and the same applies in real life: sweet-talk soothes; nagging only irritates. Tell him what a great job he's doing already and ask him to do the same thing again. Indirect compliments are effective too—let him hear you raving to a friend about how well he’s done some recent task. Sound manipulative? Maybe but it works. The more he feels that you’re noticing and appreciating his efforts, the more he’ll do. Guaranteed.
6. Don't be a gatekeeper
Many women tend to take charge of the household and childcare domains because this is the one arena that they can still control. But far too many women are so intent on keeping control of the household that they don't leave enough space for their partners to participate. For other women, control is not the issue, they just assume that men are either uninterested or incompetent. And men get the message: many find it easier to just back off. Your partner is part of the first generation of fathers to be seriously expected to take an active role in the home. By the time women become mothers, most have had years of subtle (or not so subtle) training. Female role models are plentiful, as are resources, from women's magazines to breastfeeding guides. But good male role models are rare, as is information specifically designed to help men prepare for fatherhood. The moral of the story? Even if you know how to stop the baby from crying, let your partner try to figure it out for himself before jumping in. Men and women have different approaches to the same issue and fathers need the confidence that only comes with practice. Letting him develop his own parenting style will also give your family twice as many baby-care options.
Especially after divorce, mothers need to open the gates and let their children have access to their fathers. It is important to remember that they may be ex-husbands but they'll never be ex-fathers.
7. Share and share alike
No single job in your home is any more valuable than any other, so assign everything to the most qualified person—unless, of course, that turns out to be completely unfair. So make a list of everything that needs to get done. If you’re good at something or like to do it, it’s yours. (At the same time, your partner gets to do his chores his way.)
Another option is to assign tasks to whichever of you cares the most. If a scummy bathtub bugs you more than it does him, clean it yourself. If he hates crumbs on the carpet, he gets to vacuum. Problems can arise, though, when one of you says, “Gee honey, nothing bothers me,” and the other gets stuck doing it all. These situations call for careful negotiation. You can do the more unpleasant jobs together or, if the budget permits, hire someone to do them for you. And just to make sure that everyone gets to have fun, switch responsibilities once in a while (if for no other reason than to get a better appreciation of what the other does). And be willing to bend gender stereotypes along with your partner. If you expect him to plan a meal and cook it, you should be prepared to unclog the toilet or change the oil in the car.
8. Re-define work
When dividing up responsibilities many couples have trouble defining what, exactly, the term "work" means. In many families, for example, couples err by neglecting to give parenting the same weight as ordinary chores. Yet childcare takes at least as much time, and may be just as tiring, as shopping and mopping. So even if your partner is wrestling with the baby while you're making dinner, things might not be as unequal as they seem. True, he may be having more fun but somebody has to do it. And if he plays with the baby today, he can fix dinner tomorrow while you wrestle.
The New Man may strike you as a great idea. But the Old Man has been around for tens of thousands of years, and he’s not going to disappear overnight. Even in these relatively enlightened times much of the domestic burden is going to continue to fall on you. But not all of it, and not all the time. You may need to give your expectations a reality check. Change between you and your partner may be slow. But if you work it out, you’ll see significant improvement—in your workload, in the quality of your marriage, and in your life together as parents.
A nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott is the author of Father for Life, The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be; The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year, A Dad’s Guide to the Toddler Years, Throwaway Dads , and The Single Father: A Dad’s Guide to Parenting without a Partner. He has written on parenting and fatherhood for the New York Times Magazine, The Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland, California. Visit Armin at . See all of Armin's books: http://mrdad.com/store/
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Author of The Expectant Father
About half of all pregnant women experience morning sickness. Despite the name, the nausea, heartburn, and vomiting traditionally associated with morning sickness can strike your partner at any hour of the day. No one’s quite sure what causes morning sickness. Some suggest that it’s a reaction to the pregnant woman’s changing hormone levels. Others, such as researcher Margie Profet, suggest that morning sickness is the body’s natural way of protecting the growing fetus from teratogins (toxins that cause birth defects) and abortifacients (toxins that induce miscarriage). Either way, fortunately for most women morning sickness disappears after about the third month. Until then, here are a few things you can do to help your partner cope:
- Help her maintain a high-protein, high-carbohydrate diet.
- Encourage her to drink a lot of fluids--especially milk. You might also want to keep a large water bottle next to the bed. She should avoid caffeine, which tends to be dehydrating. She might want to start the day with a small amount of juice or flat soda. The sweet flavor will probably encourage her to drink a little more than she might otherwise.
- Be sensitive to the sights and smells that make her queasy--and keep them away from her. Fatty or spicy foods are frequent offenders.
- Encourage her to eat a lot of small meals throughout the day; every two or three hours, if possible and to eat before she starts feeling nauseated. She should try to eat basic foods like rice and yogurt. These are particularly good because they are less likely to cause nausea than greasy foods.
- Make sure she takes her prenatal vitamins.
- Put some pretzels, crackers, or rice cakes by the bed—she'll need something to start and end the day with, and these are low in fat and calories.
- Be aware that she needs plenty of rest and encourage her to get it.
Keep in mind that despite the name, morning sickness can happen any time of the day. And don’t be surprised if it disappears and then returns a few weeks later. For some women it actually lasts the entire pregnancy.
For the vast majority of women, morning sickness isn’t a serious condition, and it poses no risk to your baby. It’s unpleasant, but it’s not life-threatening. Some women, though, experience a combination of complete lack of appetite and excessive vomiting. If this sounds like your partner, make sure her doctor knows about it right away. If she doesn’t get treatment she could end up malnourished or dehydrated, neither of which is good for her or the baby.
A nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott is the author of Father for Life, The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be; The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year, A Dad’s Guide to the Toddler Years, Throwaway Dads , and The Single Father: A Dad’s Guide to Parenting without a Partner. He has written on parenting and fatherhood for the New York Times Magazine, The Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland, California. Visit Armin at . See all of Armin's books: http://mrdad.com/store/
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Author of The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year
You know all about how great breastfeeding is, right? That it’s free, that it never runs out, and that breastfed babies’ diapers don’t stink are major advantages. But there’s a lot more. It gives you and your child a great opportunity to bond. It’s also the perfect blend of nutrients for the baby. Breastfed kids have a much lower chance than formula-fed kids of developing food allergies, respiratory- and gastrointestinal illnesses, or of becoming obese as adults. It may also transmit your immunity to certain diseases on to the baby. Pretty much everyone agrees that you should breastfeed for at least a year if you can.
Odd as it sounds, you and your child aren’t the only ones affected by your decision to breastfeed—your husband is too. And getting his involved is critical. A number of studies have shown that when dads support and encourage breastfeeding, their wives are more interested in doing it, are a lot more successful, and do it for longer.
Before their babies are born, nearly all expectant fathers feel that breastfeeding is the best way to feed a baby and that their partners should do so as long as possible. After the baby comes, though, a lot of new fathers have a change of heart. It's not that they don't support breastfeeding—they still think it's the best thing for everyone concerned. It's just that the whole thing makes them feel left out.
Breastfeeding "perpetuates the exclusive relationship the mother and infant experienced during pregnancy," says Dr. Pamela Jordan, one of the few researchers ever to explore the effects of breastfeeding on men. As a result, your breastfeeding-spectator husband might be feeling some or all of the following:
- A fear that it's going harder to bond and develop a relationship with his child
- A sense of inadequacy, that nothing he could ever do could ever compete with your breasts
- A slight feeling of resentment toward the baby who has "come between" him and you
- A sense of relief when the baby is weaned because he'll finally have a chance to catch up
- A sense that because you can breastfeed you somehow possess the knowledge and skills that make you a naturally better parent (which means, of course, that he’s just not suited for the job)
So what can you do? Start by understanding his feelings (whether or not he expresses them.) If you’re breastfeeding, you’re in the primary parenting role and you have the power to invite your husband in or to shut him out. “ Just as the father is viewed as the primary support of the mother-infant relationship,” says Dr. Jordan, “the mother is the primary support to the father-infant relationship... supporting the father during breastfeeding may help improve his, and consequently, the mother's, satisfaction with breastfeeding, the duration of breastfeeding, and the adaptation of both parents to parenthood."
A nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott is the author of Father for Life, The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be; The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year, A Dad’s Guide to the Toddler Years, Throwaway Dads , and The Single Father: A Dad’s Guide to Parenting without a Partner. He has written on parenting and fatherhood for the New York Times Magazine, The Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland, California. Visit Armin at . See all of Armin's books: http://mrdad.com/store/ |
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Author of Father for Life
If you were divorced a while ago, you may only now be seeing the results. Ten years after their parents’ divorce, young women who are now nineteen to twenty-three are afraid of intimacy with a male, afraid of betrayal, and/or afraid of losing love, says clinical psychologist Clay Tucker-Ladd. Young men the same age have many of the same issues. Ten years after the divorce, 40 percent of them are drifting in school, and don’t have any real sense of self-direction. There’s a pretty good chance that you’re still suffering too. According to Tucker-Ladd’s research, 30 to 50 percent of divorced couples are still bitter after the divorce ten years after the fact.
Your divorce, whether it happened a while ago or right now, is going to have a big impact on your relationships with your adult children. Later in life, divorced fathers get less care from and are less likely to live with an adult child, according to a study conducted by Barbara Steinberg Schone, Ph.D., of the Agency for Health Care Policy and Research, and Liliana Pezzin, Ph.D., of the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine.
If you thought that getting remarried would make things better, you’d be wrong. Remarried parents get less care from their children—and provide less cash assistance to them—than parents who are either in intact marriages or haven’t remarried, according to Schone and Pezzin.
For stepfathers there’s an interesting double standard. Although dads’ ties with their step kids are not typically as strong as they are with their biological children, adult children get along better with stepfathers than with stepmothers, according to Harvard sociologist Constance Ahrons. About half of adult children whose mothers had remarried consider their stepfathers parents and were happy about the new marriage. But only about a third of adult kids whose fathers had remarried liked the idea of having a stepmother and considered her a parent.
If you think about this, it actually makes sense. In cases of divorce, more mothers get custody. That means that when Mom remarries, the kids have a chance to establish a good relationship with their new stepfather. Since they don’t spend as much time with their biological father, it’s natural that the kids wouldn’t bond nearly as well with his new wife.
A nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott is the author of Father for Life, The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be; The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year, A Dad’s Guide to the Toddler Years, Throwaway Dads , and The Single Father: A Dad’s Guide to Parenting without a Partner. He has written on parenting and fatherhood for the New York Times Magazine, The Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland, California. Visit Armin at . See all of Armin's books: http://mrdad.com/store/ |
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A nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott is the author of:
 Father for Life
 The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be
 The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year
 A Dad’s Guide to the Toddler Years
 Throwaway Dads
 The Single Father: A Dad’s Guide to Parenting without a Partner.
He has written on parenting and fatherhood for the New York Times Magazine, The Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland, California. Visit Armin at . See all of Armin's books: http://mrdad.com/store/ |
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