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The Silver Fox? What Women Think About Gray Hair
By Marcy Barack
MSN LifeStyle: Boomers

The results are in. We asked Match.com users, "Ladies, is silver hair really sexy on guys?" and thousands said:

So that profile you winked at is now your sweetie. Do you tell the world how you hooked up—or keep it a secret?

I wanted to find out what couples who met online and stayed together had in common, and what made them different from those who eventually split up.

Who controls the relationship?
By Alan Goldsher

Sure, we all like to think of the early stages of a relationship being all good and easy-cuddling on the couch and basking in the glow of your 32” Magnavox with your new sweetie, heading out together to meet friends for drinks...

The Silver Fox? What Women Think About Gray Hair
By Marcy Barack
MSN LifeStyle: Boomers

The results are in. We asked Match.com users, "Ladies, is silver hair really sexy on guys?" and thousands said:

Gray hair is hot—72%
Let's admit up front that gray hair on men is distinguished. On women, it's just old. He's a silver fox. She's a crone. Oh, well, that's why there's Clairol.

The only thing better is when they're bald—12%
Let me just drop one name: Sean Connery. Or two: Patrick Stewart. Or three: Michael Jordan.

Silver's a sign he's passed his prime—16%
These gals are certainly entitled to this opinion, but in my book, the real turnoff is the thinning pelt. The long retreat of the hairline above the eyebrows leaves a skinny peninsula marooned over the nose. Then come the desperate attempts at disguise with the dreaded comb-over. At last, nothing remains but the semi-circular fringe above the collar.

Only an accident of genetics or a horrible brush with death turns a full head of hair gray while the owner is still young. In most people, it's a sign of advancing years. Aging confers many benefits on men:

1. They accumulate power and status in the form of money and position
When you go on a date with a silver fox, there's none of the dithering about that typifies a younger guy. He's got a plan. He'll pick you up. He may even open the door for you. If he's of the old school, there's no divvying up the check, either; it all goes on his platinum card. Once upon a time, a silver fox offered to send his airplane for me. Not every older guy has a fortune, but they are usually past the scrimping stage. Of course, you may have to make some allowances if he's still paying alimony and child support.

2. They become wise in the ways of the world and women
When you date an older guy, you reap the benefits of decades of female tutoring. All the women in his life who have preceded you—his mom, his girlfriends, especially his first wife—have hopefully taught him what women want. Those women educated him in the finer points of how to dress, how to act, how to listen, how to appreciate you.

3. They know how to have fun
The silver-haired fox who's going through a mid-life crisis typically drives a snazzy red sports car and throws around lots of money. He makes a great traveling companion. He's got decades of jokes to tell. And he's an enthusiastic lover. If he's already raised one family, chances are he may not want another. So if you don't particularly care for kids, he's a good choice.

4. They make good fathers
If you do want kids, and so does he, children from later marriages have certain advantages. A dad going through his second childhood makes a great playmate. And he may pay a lot more attention to children of his later years than kids who came along while he was fully immersed in building his career.

Who controls the relationship?
By Alan Goldsher

Sure, we all like to think of the early stages of a relationship being all good and easy-cuddling on the couch and basking in the glow of your 32” Magnavox with your new sweetie, heading out together to meet friends for drinks... catching a late show and sharing a sack of extra butter popcorn. But often during these supposedly easy-going times, there’s an underlying tension in the air. Because, on a certain level, every move you two make is setting the tone for your future roles in the relationship. Who’ll call the shots? Who’ll be the “flexible” one? What will you do if the two of you can’t agree on any of this? These issues are especially true in relationships where one or both partners have previously been married—and may be used to either being ruler of the roost, or the go-with-the-flow type.
Allow us to help: Let’s look at three key control issues that can needlessly derail a burgeoning relationship. For greatest happiness, here’s how to handle them with finesse.

Who decides the friends you both see socially?
This can be a touchy subject for a new couple, as he wants to be with his friends and she wants to be with hers, but they still want to be with each other. The fact is, you should establish a schedule in which each of you gets what you want and need, even if that means sometimes dividing and conquering. London-based love mavens Em & Lo, authors of The Big Bang and Sex Etiquette, believe that once in a while, it’s OK to go your separate ways. “Just because you’re a couple doesn’t mean you’re joined at the hip. You can hang out with your friends without always dragging your partner along, and vice versa. A woman can tell her boyfriend, ‘Hey, I’m going to a ladies’ poker night next Wednesday, why don’t you call up your pals for some beer?’” A healthy relationship is based on selfless compromise without compromising who you are. But if you don’t like your partner’s taste in entertainment, food, hobbies, or friends, then you might want to consider getting a new partner.

Who decides on the flick and the food?
You know how it goes: He wants pizza, she wants sushi. He wants King Kong, she wants Brokeback Mountain. And this can feel like a huge issue if, say, the “he” in question had to sit through weepy dramas during his years with the ex.

Now, if you and your honey have constant stress in this arena, Em and Lo feel you need to work it out mathematically. “If you can’t naturally find a balance, then use Excel or get a dry-erase board for the fridge and keep score. For every romantic comedy one partner gets, the other gets an action movie. And if it was Chinese take-out last time, then it’s Italian the next time you order in.” Sure, the cheeky Brits are being a bit, um, cheeky, but they have a point: If you can’t work it out verbally, put it on paper. Fair’s fair, and splitting the decision-making fifty-fifty can work just fine. This also avoids one partner “going with the flow” and, say, attending umpteen boring art films, only to explode at a later date with a line that usually goes something like, “You always make me watch those boring foreign films!” Head that one off at the pass by learning to negotiate early on.

Who controls the remote?
It’s a cliché, sure, but for good reason: All across America (and possibly the world), couples in various states of commitment continue to argue over who controls the clicker. Andrea L., a single 20-something from New York City, doesn’t feel the problem is always as silly and lame as it sounds. “In most relationships, one person is opinionated and the other is laid-back. However, even the most passive people can go totally insane if you try to deny them the viewing pleasure of Laguna Beach: The Real O.C.” Andrea’s logical, straightforward, why-didn’t-I-think-of-that-myself solution? Hardcore compromise. “Monday, Wednesday, Friday,” she says, “the guy has the remote, even if that means all ESPN. Then on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays, she can get her ‘revenge’ with a Lifetime movie marathon.” Sundays? Well, maybe the couple in question needs a day off from TV—or possibly each other. Em & Lo have a solution that should shore up budding relationships: “Get a TiVo.”

Alan Goldsher’s book Modest Mouse: A Pretty Good Read will be published by Thomas Dunne Books in August, 2006. Visit his website at www.AlanGoldsher.com or write him at askalan@cs.com.

4 Signs That a Man's Ready for Marriage --
and 4 That He's Not
by Sherry Amatenstein for iVillage

Men and marriage -- ever wonder what it takes to get the two together? If you're trying to get your boyfriend to make a commitment, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you can stop trying to manipulate, sweet-talk or pressure him into proposing. The bad news is that there's nothing you can do to speed up the process. That's not to say it'll never happen. Men fall in love and get married every day. But men have their own biological clocks. When they're ready, they head down the aisle -- but not a moment sooner. In the meantime, it's not possible to convince a commitment-phobic guy that you're the best thing that will ever happen to him -- even if you are! Instead, your best bet is looking for someone who doesn't need convincing.

The Sex and the City gang once compared a marriage-ready man to a taxi: At a certain point in his life, he becomes ready for commitment. His "available" light goes on and the next lady in his life gets the ring. Luckily for us, it's easy to tell the difference between a man who's got the light on and one who's just driving around in the dark. As evidence, here are four hints that a man has present-day potential to become a mate for life:

His Oat-Sowing Days Are Over
According to John Malloy, author of Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others, which details the results of a survey of 2,500 men, the singles scene no longer appeals to a man who is ready to marry. Malloy interviewed men from ages 17 to 70 who were about to marry; all admitted they felt increasingly out of place in the bars, pool halls and dance clubs that were once their favorite hangouts.

Joe T., a 30-year-old married computer technician in Denver, confirms, "For years I spent every Friday night at a singles bar till I realized I was just pretending to have fun drinking and smoking and hitting on pretty girls who weren't interested. The thought of staying home and chilling seemed much more appealing." Rob F's epiphany came via a shocking realization. The 36-year-old recently married lawyer from New York recalls, "I started not wanting to bed models because I'd have to struggle through a conversation afterward."

He's Financially Independent
Tina Tessina, Ph.D., a California psychotherapist, explains, "Men do have a biological clock, but their timing is different from women. Most men's priorities tend to be focused on winning financial security before having a family. If he's still struggling to pay his bills, he's not going to want to add the burden of supporting a wife." To take it further, the man you're looking for is a grown-up -- someone who can be counted on. He's able to commit to a job, not to mention family and friends. On the romantic front, even if he's not ready to wed right away, he's at least able to discuss the concept of commitment.

Julia, a 27-year-old Philadelphia paralegal, says, "I had a definite type: ski bums and musicians who waited tables to make money. They were sexy as hell, but I was expected to pay for most dates and they'd be reluctant to ask me out for New Year's, never mind the rest of my life. I was miserable. Something had to change." That "something" was her type: The next time Julia went to a singles dance, she tried something new. Instead of seeking out a drummer with six-pack abs, she met an accountant. He may have lacked a hard body, but he did have a loving heart and a steady job and, most importantly, the urge to merge. They're planning a wedding.

He's Discovered His Desire to Be a Dad
Carol Morgan, a Boca Raton matchmaker (www.carolmorgan.com), observes, "He's ready for marriage when he stares longingly at kids and suggests you would have beautiful children." [Editor's note: I'll say!] If your man isn't as straightforward, take a cue from John Malloy, who says, "Most men want to be young enough to teach their sons to fish and play ball and do the male-bonding thing." His research has found that age can have a great effect on a man's attitude toward marriage. Most college-educated men don't consider marriage as a serious possibility until age 26. In fact, they enter a phase of high commitment between the ages of 28 and 33. Men who've gone on to graduate school -- doctors, lawyers, etc. -- hit their commitment-peak phase during ages 30 to 36. But Malloy says that once a single man hits 37, the chances that he'll marry start to fade. And after his 43rd birthday, he'll probably remain a bachelor for life.

That's not to say that a man won't catch marriage/fatherhood fever later in life. Mitch J. was 39 when he started seriously wanting a child. The problem for the Los Angeles film publicist: His live-in girlfriend had two children from a previous marriage and no intention of becoming pregnant ever again. Mitch recalls agonizing: "If I stay, I know I will have a good relationship and a stable future. If I leave, who knows if I'll ever find a woman I really love and who wants children." Finally, he chose to leave. Within a year he met Pauline. They're now married and have a baby girl.

He's Your Boyfriend in Name -- Your Husband in Spirit
April Masini, author of Date Out of Your League, explains, "When a man is ready to become a husband -- your husband -- he starts acting like a husband. For instance, he will make plans for the future, introduce you to his friends and family, and not only call you daily but want to tell you the details of his day and have a desire to hear about yours."

Carol Morgan adds, "He's honest and open, and when you enter the room he doesn't immediately make his computer screen go black so you can't see what he's doing. He'll even -- gasp! -- let you answer the phone [at his place]." And if he makes room for you in his closet, baby, your single days are numbered. He'll also listen when you tell him that you're ready for marriage. Malloy says that the key finding in his book about men and marriage was this: "Seventy-three percent of the women coming out of marriage-license bureaus with their future husbands told us that they put pressure on their man to get a proposal. In most cases, this pressure didn't involve an attempt to manipulate their man into marrying them but was simply a result of telling their man what they were feeling."

If you're not sure about your guy's intentions, take notice of the way he acts and, more importantly, the way he talks about your future. If he's making promises but hasn't delivered in a reasonable amount of time, or if he objects to any talk about your future at all, his prospects for becoming a groom are probably pretty grim. But don't just assume he's not ready. Be direct with him and tell him how you feel. Then you'll know exactly where you stand. If he's not ready, he's not ready. In that case, better to move on to a man who is. Who knows if he'll be flashy, but his "available" light will certainly sparkle.

4 Signs He's Not Marriage Material, If He:

Says he has no interest in tying the knot.
Instead of trying to change his mind, believe him and move on.

Buys a Porsche.
Or other high-end items that no man saving up for a ring or a future would purchase. Carol Morgan says, "If he acts financially immature and irresponsible, he's thinking 'me,' not 'we.'"

Calls his married friends "losers."
If he wants to couple up, he considers a man and a woman building a future together beautiful, not pathetic.

Continually makes you cry.
And they're not tears of happiness. If he's unreliable, abusive, a liar, cheat and/or uber-flirt, divorce yourself from this relationship before it takes a trip to court to do so.

MSN Lifestyle / Relationships / Couples & Marriage / iVillage.com

5 guys every girl’s gotta date
By Maura Kelly

Wondering which fella to flirt with next? Make a point of getting to know these men—they can teach you wonderful things about life and love…

So you’re out on the town, looking for a cute guy you’ll click with…who’ll be the next lucky dude? Who’s your usual type? Before you answer, wait a second, and let us urge you not to date your usual type. You’ll benefit big-time by dating various types of guys. Here’s why: Each will stretch the boundaries of what you think makes a suitable mate and teach you a unique set of skills that will come in handy when you do meet The One.

Type #1: The Older Man
There comes a point in every guy’s life when he’s no longer interested in keg parties, Sony PlayStations, and phrases like “getting laid.” In short, a man becomes a man, and that’s exactly why you should see what an older guy is all about. No, it’s not because he could be a sugardaddy who’ll shower you with fancy meals and great gifts (although that could be nice).

The real perk of dating an older guy is his worldliness and wisdom, which is bound to rub off on you, says Steve Nakamoto, author of Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man. “Because he’s had more life experience and has been through more than younger guys, he can play something of a teacher role,” he explains, adding that he once dated a woman 14 years younger than him. “She still calls me today to thank me for the things I taught her,” he says. “She’s always been very appreciative of advice I gave her, even little things like buying a CD, after I explained that I meant certificate of deposit, and not a music album!”

Type #2: The Starving Artist
Okay, sure: These dudes are not going to take you to fancy restaurants or even pay for your half of the dinner bill. Money, nice meals, and material goods don’t mean squat to this guy—and that’s exactly why you’ll have an incredible time once he opens your eyes to life’s simpler pleasures. Erika Meitner of Charlottesville, VA, now sees the world differently after a summer spent with a struggling musician, Jesse. “We went on the best dates, because they all involved great conversation and the most unexpected adventures,” she says. “He knew all the best cheap beer bars, where the jukeboxes rocked, and colorful people always wanted to tell Jesse their stories.” Not only will the world seem infinitely fascinating, but you may feel more fascinating, too, as you become inspired by his creativity and perhaps play the role of his muse.

Type #3: The Metrosexual
OK, so he may be better dressed and more recently manicured than you. Get over it—because not only will you reap the obvious benefits of dating a guy like this (like being able to borrow his expensive shampoos), you’ll get a chance to live a happenin’ life! These guys will take you to all the hottest clubs and coolest clothing stores, and let’s not forget just how fabulous you’ll feel walking hand-in-hand with a man who looks like he just stepped out of an issue of GQ. The benefits don’t end there: His style may well rub off on you. “That’s significant,” says Nakamoto, “because it makes her feel better about herself, as well as making her a stronger player on the social and professional fields.”

Type #4: The Bad Boy
This rebel might have a motorcycle or not, but one thing’s for sure: He lives on his own terms and is not about to apologize for them. Hang with him for a while, and you’ll learn why being bad can feel so good—and how to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Talk about liberating! “In general, women tend to be pleasers, much more so than men,” Nakamoto says. “ A bad boy can show them what it’s like to quit trying to make everyone else happy, and just do what you want. ”New Yorker Diana Petroff has first-hand experience with these bad-boy benefits, having once dated one of these rebels. “He knew there was more to the world,” Petroff explains. “ And from being with him, I learned to look deep inside myself for what's truly important—rather than just accepting what my parents or friends thought was the proper path for me.”

Type #5: The Nice Guy
He never makes you feel insecure or uncertain, never plays hard to get, never makes you doubt how he feels about you. It’s a shame that we need to explain this one, and yet we know how hard it can be to date a true sweetheart, at least at first. “ A woman won’t be used to the frequency and consistency of affection nice guys give, since most other guys who are playing the dating game don’t do that,” Nakamoto explains. Even so, he advises that women get used to the nice guys, and quick. Why? Because once you’ve had the good stuff (a guy who calls when he says he will; a guy who wants to see you more often as he gets to know you), you won’t stand for anything less. At the same time, that doesn’t necessarily mean you should start sending out the wedding invites after a few months. “Just because he’s nice doesn’t necessarily mean he’s the right guy,” Nakamoto warns. “He might rate low in terms of romantic chemistry, because he lacks the edge that creates the kind of surprise, passion, and excitement that all people want in their lives.”

Of course, the key is finding the man who has everything you want—until then, however, go ahead and try everything and don’t worry so much about whether you’ve found Mr. Right. Trust us, he’s out there. In the meantime, have fun!

Want to hear the other side of the story? Then read 5 women every guy’s gotta date.

Maura Kelly is a freelance writer living in Washington, D.C. who’s written for Glamour and other publications. While she’s dated all of these types, she most highly recommends The Nice Guy.

Article courtesy of Happen magazine, www.happenmag.com.

5 women every guy's gotta date
By Jonathan Small

Before settling down, these are the gals every man should date. Why? For the connection you two feel, of course, but also for the relationship lessons each one will teach you.

With so many amazing women out there, how do you know which one is right for you? The honest truth is, you don’t really—that is, unless you get out there and date. “Men should experience dating many different types of women before they settle down,” says Gilda Carle, Ph.D., a New York-based relationship expert. “The more relationship skills you learn and the more experiences you have, the more prepared you’ll be when true love finally comes.” So, allow us to present five women you really should date before you say, “I do.” Of course, no one is saying you should go through life with a little checklist titled “Women to Date,” but spending time getting to know and appreciate these women can be a wonderful thing. Here, a look at who they are and why you should go out with them.

Type #1: The Older Woman
If you haven’t tried dating up the age chain, you don’t know what you’ve been missing. Mature women have been places, seen things, and have a sophistication and wisdom that you, my young friend, can—and should—soak up like a sponge. “Older women know who they are and what they want,” explains Dr. Gilda. Spend time with one and you’ll gain a terrific perspective on life, and realize that being a desirable woman doesn’t mean being a woman younger than you are. Says Patrick Hayden of Seattle, WA, “I definitely recommend dating an older woman. I dated one when I was 19 and she was 30, and what she taught me carries over to this day.” While a knowledge of wine, travel and the human condition are usually par for the course, so is something else: a tutorial on how to please a woman in bed. “The older woman I dated was like a sex mentor to me. She taught me absolutely everything I know,” recalls Patrick.

Type #2: The Guy’s Girl
Every guy needs to experience that rare breed of gal who looks and talks like a woman, but loves sports, beer, and action flicks—in short, who acts like a guy. Evan Silver is dating this type right now and couldn’t be happier about it: “She’s a hot woman who plays rugby and encourages me to hang out with my guy friends,” he says. The guy’s girl is often so similar to you that you forget to censor yourself around her—a good thing, according to Dr. Gilda, because it causes you to be more comfortable around women in general. “You’ll let your guard down more, just as you would around your guy friends,” she says. “You’ll learn that women can offer you friendship that you don’t have to reserve for your own gender.” We’re not saying you’ll be staging belching contests with all your future loves, but you will realize that there’s no reason to walk on eggshells around the person you’re dating. You can just be yourself—which is all women want anyway.

Type #3: The Free Spirit
This girl always stops to smell the roses. Think Drew Barrymore, Goldie Hawn, Claire from Six Feet Under. She’s totally creative, spiritual, spontaneous—maybe a tad ditzy—and she relies more on instinct and inspiration than reason and good planning. Why is this good for you? Because let’s face it: Guys are goal-oriented. We like game plans and spreadsheets; road maps and instruction manuals. That’s why sometimes we need a free spirit to fly into our lives and shake us free of our rigid ways. “A woman like this can tap a man’s creativity in ways no one else has,” says Dr. Gilda. “She shows him that not everything has to be perfect or planned.” Michael Pagliughi of Ocean City, NJ, concurs. He considers himself a tad uptight—and says that his art-student girlfriend taught him to chill. “She took me to some underground art galleries, had me stay up to the wee hours even when I had to work the next day,” he recalls. The spontaneity she taught him has carried over into other relationships. “She really helped me discover a more romantic, creative side of myself,” he says. “Now I’m much more likely to meet a date somewhere unexpected or surprise her with flowers."

Type #4: The Brainy Chick
In the dating game, looks often trump intelligence—guys go for hotties rather than girls who can stand their ground in a heated debate. This is really a shame, since not only can the sharp ones keep your mind from turning to putty, they can help you appreciate all facets of a woman and even handle those times in your life when you don’t know it all. “Men are so often intimidated by smart women—they have vulnerable egos and never want to feel as if any woman is showing them up,” says Dr. Gilda. Sure, dating a woman who can beat you at chess or argue circles around you about Middle East politics might be a bit of a blow to your ego at first, but ultimately, you’ll grow from it. Michael of Austin, TX, recalls his brainy ex-girlfriend this way: “She taught me how to debate with the best of them. I had to bring something to the table or she’d get bored. She challenged me in a way I wasn’t used to and that felt great.”

Type #5: The Seductress
Every man fantasizes about dating a girl who has an, um, healthy libido and is extremely creative in bed. The good news: These girls actually exist—and if you date one, you’ll be a much better man for it. But it’s not for the reason you might think. Says Dr. Gilda, “Every guy needs to get this type of girl out of his system. Because he’ll quickly realize that sex alone cannot sustain a relationship.” Evan can relate; he dated a girl who lived and breathed sex. “It was cool at first,” he recalls. But soon he began to want something more. “There was nothing else there, no romance and not much conversation,” he says. “I realized the only connection we had was sexual.” Evan has since moved on from the seductress, but he learned a ton. Sure, hot sex still ranks high on his wish list, but now he also wants a girl he can also really relate to and bond with. And that’s a very valuable lesson.

Want to hear the other side of the story? Check out 5 guys every woman’s gotta date.

Jonathan Small is a freelance journalist based in Los Angeles. He has dated each of the above women—and vouches for them all.

Article courtesy of Happen magazine, www.happenmag.com.

Finding a Soul Mate: Realistic Goal or a Lofty Expectation?
By The Love Council for iVillage

Despite the fact that many celebrities are heading down the aisle in their early 20s, statistics show that most people are waiting until they're older to get married. U.S. Census Bureau data states that the median age of a woman's first marriage has actually increased six years - from 20 to 26 - since 1970.

In his book Urban Tribes, Ethan Watters explores why women are waiting so long to get married. One theory is that we have our own careers, and therefore our own resources, and no longer need a provider to support us financially. And then there are what Watters calls our "tribes," circles of close-knit friends that provide us with the feeling of connection we previously sought in significant others.

Given that we have such satisfying, independent lives, Watters says we're "no longer looking for just a suitable mate, but rather 'soul mate searching.'" And the statistics back him up. A recent Gallup poll shows that 94 percent of people who've never been married agreed that they want their spouse to be their "soul mate" first and foremost. We can't help but wonder: Have women's standards for a mate - a soul mate - become impossibly high? Do soul mates even exist? We asked our panelists to weigh in.

Dan Cronin:
Yes, soul mates exist. I have living proof of one in the kitchen right now. She's wearing sweatpants and a "Hogs and Heifers" tank top and is using a dental whitening strip that makes her sound like Gina Gershon when she speaks. She's my wife, and she's cleaning out the fridge. God, I love her. But is she "the one" for me? Are we each the one person the universe had in store for the other? Hell no. There are millions of people we could have ended up with, but it's no less romantic that we ended up as we did.

It was a blind date. It wasn't love at first sight. It was "like" at first sight. And then phone conversations that simply never ended. When she, then living in Westchester, held the phone out the window so that this then city dweller could hear some suburban crickets, I knew she would be mine for a long time.

What if we met today? Would she do the same thing? I don't know. I'd like to think so, but things are different now for women. These days, it's just fine to not be married, and to be plenty happy about it. In this post-Sex and the City era, young women are enjoying an extended bachelorette-hood. It's a time in which women are allowed to be independent, outspoken - even a little slutty. In other words, women are now allowed to be men. No wonder they're getting married later.

But, ladies, if you are truly holding out for a soul mate, and if that, by recent definition, is "someone with whom one has a subjective, emotional feeling of deep affinity, friendship, love, strong intimacy or compatibility," then, um, I suggest you expand your horizons. That should be the entry-level, bare minimum of what you're looking for. Skip the laundry list of criteria and quit trying to check off all the requirements. The important thing is to just talk, to bare that soul of yours. Odds are pretty good that someone wonderful is going to want to mate with it.

Cathi Hanauer and Daniel Jones:
Cathi: "Soul mates" absolutely exist. My husband, Dan, is my soul mate. And I'm not a person to sugarcoat things, so if I'm saying that about Dan, believe me, it's true.

Daniel: I think this whole notion of "soul mate" is different for men than it is for women. Women love the word, but for men it's often a euphemism for a relationship based more on friendship than passion.

C: I agree. If you marry your soul mate, you may find you sometimes feel more like best friends than romantic lovers. That's one of the disadvantages, if you want to call it that, of a "soul mate marriage." But to me, it's a small price to pay, considering this is someone you have to live with every day, someone who shares your finances and your bathroom, someone with whom you are likely to raise children.

There are many reasons to marry - for romance, for passion, for financial security, for cultural reasons - or you can marry someone who deeply "gets" you, a soul mate who shares your sensibility and worldview, someone you feel one hundred percent yourself around. Of course, a soul mate marriage can have some of the other ingredients too - and one would hope it does - but it's the rare marriage that has everything. Really, that's a hell of a lot to ask of one person.

D: But calling us soul mates? I'll allow that "soul mates" probably exist for some people. But frankly, the term creeps me out. I don't know of a single man who would choose to broadcast that his wife is more his friend than his lover (even if he concedes it's true), so most men I know steer clear of the term.

C: Now in terms of women's standards for a mate, I don't actually think they're any higher than they ever were, but they're most definitely different. Thirty years ago - back before 72 percent of mothers in this country worked and 30 percent of working women outearned their husbands - I probably would have been more concerned with whether a man could support me financially than whether he could, say, respect my worldview.

D: Yes, these days, many women make it clear at the start they're not expecting a breadwinner.

C: Being the person I was at the time I got married, I was more concerned with finding someone who "got" me, someone who was my intellectual and creative equal. And, lucky me, I found him.

Dr. Sarah Stedman:
So here we are - beautiful, ambitious and curious women who are capable of being fully self-sufficient before choosing to join forces with a partner. We have the luxury of leisure time between families to contemplate the path we want to take. No longer forced by necessity to immerse ourselves in the nurture of husband and children, we are blessed with a space of time that can be ours to discover who we are. The more we learn about the inner us, the more we will bring to a committed relationship - should that be our choice. In the teaching profession we have an adage, "When the student is ready the teacher will appear." How interestingly that thought expands to "When the soul is ready its mate will appear."

I believe that each of us is surrounded by a soul community, a tribe if you will, of people to whom we are drawn inexplicably, with whom we feel a sense of belonging and family-of-choice, and within those groups are opportunities for connecting with others in every conceivable kind of relationship. Is your soul mate a possible member of that tribe? Perhaps. Surrounded by such rich social environments, we have that much more opportunity to really become the soul that attracts its best mate.

Michele Weiner-Davis:
Give me a break. The more women dream about soul mates, the less I'll have to worry about job security. (For the record, I'm a couples' therapist and unabashed marriage saver.)

Here's an interesting statistic: Of the marriages that end in divorce, 50 percent of those divorces will occur within the first four years of marriage. Why is that? The answer's simple. Early in love, you are ruled by your hormones. Physical attraction muddies your brain. Your selective perception has you focusing on and rejoicing in your similarities to another person. But at the same time, that attraction conveniently causes you to overlook any blaring differences between the two of you. You're happily surprised to discover that your partner loves the same kind of music you do, shares your passion for Thai food and adores beach vacations as opposed to skiing jaunts (just like you!).

"Could it be," you ask yourself, "that I have truly found my one and only soul mate?" "Mais, oui!" you conclude. "This must be the real thing. We're meant to be together."

But soon after, reality sets in and you start to notice that you and your significant other are not, after all, each other's clones. Not even close. Your relationship is suddenly marred by conflict. You're overwhelmed with the nagging sense that your gut instincts have failed you miserably - that your mate is not your soul mate at all and that you may have made the biggest mistake of your life. The solution? Divorce, of course. At least that's what it seems like. At this point, it's the only legitimate way to start all over in the search for Mr. Right, right?

Look, here's the deal: Research has proven that people in long-term, happy marriages are no more similar (or thought to be better "soul mate" material) than those who divorce. The only difference is that veteran marrieds have learned how to deal with their differences. And take it from me, as a veteran married and a marriage educator, I know that important relationship skills can be learned. Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is another matter. I say quit looking for a soul mate. Instead, start looking for a partner who is willing to do the hard work of staying in love once the thrill of believing you found your "one and only" is nothing but a long-lost memory.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer:
To me, the idea of a soul mate is a lot like the idea of the G-spot. I'm not saying that such things don't exist, but they're not so common that most people can share in them. By seeking such elusive goals, you can end up with negative feelings about a person for no valid reason. For example, I hear of women who criticize their lovers for not finding their G-spot, even though the odds are the women don't even have one. People who pass over perfectly good partners because they don't fit this elusive concept of soul mate are also making a big mistake.

Even if you find someone who you think is your soul mate, there's no guarantee the relationship won't change so much over time that he'll wind up feeling like your soul enemy. Think about the fact that after marriage the next step is often to start a family - your entire relationship will definitely change once children are brought into the mix. So who knows if that soul mate feeling will still exist five years from now? For proof, just look at all the people who fall madly in love, get married and then get divorced.

The bottom line: There is no such thing as a person who is your perfect match, and trying to find him will doom you to disappointment and failure. Better, at least in my way of thinking, is to find someone who is a good fit. Once you find him, you both need to make sure you put enough energy and creativity into the relationship to keep it healthy. This way, your odds of ending up with a very good life mate are quite high - and your life will be much more satisfying than it might be if you spend (dare I say waste?) years searching for your soul mate.

Dating blarney: Busted!
By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

In the spirit of applying the luck of the Irish to your love life, we’ve gathered an array of dating blarney we’d like to see permanently obliterated. Learn what our experts have to say, and you may soon be on your way to finding relationship gold that’s not hidden at the end of the rainbow.

Bit of blarney #1: There’s no such thing as love at first sight.
Reality: Actually, there is... but interestingly, it happens more often for men than for women. “Men can fall in love instantaneously when they lay eyes on someone attractive because they’re so visual,” says Dr. Helen Fisher, a noted anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of Why We Love. Women, on the other hand, are biologically programmed to “fall” differently: Since women aren’t as visual, they’re slower to feel smitten. “Women at least have to talk to the person!” she says.

Bit of blarney #2: Men should always pay for a first date.
Reality: If a woman invites you, you are her guest and she pays. “Stop the diving-for-the-wallet dance,” says etiquette expert Gloria Starr. “The person who asks is the person who pays. Women can and should plan dates.” But Starr cautions against going Dutch from square one—let one person or the other pay. She says that dividing the check is a bad way to begin a new relationship, because it sends a message that neither one of you is investing in the bond.

Bit of blarney #3: Single women rearrange their schedule to see a guy they like.
Reality: “In a study of hundreds of Americans, we found that men were more likely to change their patterns and habits to be available for women,” says Dr. Fisher. So, if a man is interested in a woman, he might actually be the one waiting by the phone or obsessively checking his email so that he can redo his schedule to see his sweetie.

Bit of blarney #4: If a guy doesn’t immediately show his interest, he doesn’t really like you.
Reality: Actually, the reverse is more likely to be true. If a guy likes you and doesn’t want to mess things up, he’s more likely to move slowly. “Some of the worst dating disasters I’ve heard of involve men who dazzle with their insistence that you’re ‘The One’ right after they meet you,” says Dalma Heyn, therapist and author of Drama Kings: The Men Who Drive Strong Women Crazy. “You feel flattered and thrilled, get intimate, and then he’s gone! He only wanted to woo you, not win you.”

Bit of blarney #5: Play hard-to-get to land a man.
Reality: This belief usually goes hand-in-hand with some others, like a woman should never call a man, always pretend to be busy, and never say yes to a date unless it’s far in advance, right? Wrong. When it comes to dating, there are no hard-and-fast rules to follow,” says Joni Mantell, a psychotherapist and love coach who practices in New York and New Jersey. Yes, hard-to-get can be a quality that confident people possess—confident people are more discerning. “But fake confidence or toughness creates distance,” cautions Mantell. Develop confidence and your own rules, and the right partner will get you, difficult or not!

Bit of blarney #6: It’s always a mistake to date someone at work.
Reality: “It often works, if you are smart about it,” says Ronna Lichtenberg, author of Pitch Like a Girl: How A Woman Can Be Herself And Still Succeed. Lichtenberg suggests some ground rules: Don't date more than one person interoffice, and only go for it when the chemistry is definitely there—i.e., do not use your cubicle as a regular pick-up joint. Of course, you should stick to common sense and corporate rules regarding boss-subordinate dating. Make sure you both agree beforehand on what you’ll tell your coworkers. Finally, Lichtenberg advises, “Don’t do it if you are prone to bad break-ups. And don’t lie—you know if you are.”

Bit of blarney #7: Sex is just an animal urge for men.
Reality: Actually, Dr. Fisher says that men tend to regard sex as more intimate than women. “It’s easier for a woman to find someone to have sex with her if she wants it,” she says. “For women, sex is a real gift to men. Men have to do the courting, so when they get sex, they feel a closeness because they’ve ‘earned’ it,” says Dr. Fisher. Too bad that doesn’t always extend to the post-coital cuddle!

Bit of blarney #8: Women can’t deal when a relationship ends.
Reality: Studies show that three out of four people who become extremely upset and take drastic measures post-break-up are men. Says Dr. Fisher, “It’s a myth that women take break-ups harder!” Sure, women are bummed (enter weepy movie marathons and Chubby Hubby), but since more guys are raised without the tools to deal with their feelings, they tend to be the ones who actually flip out after a bad break-up. Lesson learned? Toss a pint of ice cream to your guy friends who are mourning a break-up, too.

Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a writer and performer based in New York City whose work has appeared in magazines such as Marie Claire and Fitness as well as numerous online publications.

Are you better off single?
By Dawn Yanek

Attention, unmarried people of America: You can splurge on a fancy new wristwatch without having to explain yourself. You can stay out till 3 a.m. without having to phone home. You can leave the toilet seat up. In fact, there are many, many ways that single life rocks, though you may forget that fact when your relatives are grilling you about settling down. Not only do you have the freedom to do anything you want—it’s also the best time in history to be flying solo. The marriage rate has declined nearly 50 percent since 1970, according to the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, and right now, there are approximately 100 million singles in the U.S. And there’s strength in those numbers: “Today’s choose-to-be singles differ from the poor-me singles of past generations; there’s less of a stigma attached to being single, ” says Jerusha Stewart, author of The Single Girl’s Manifesta. “Singles are traveling, buying homes and doing everything they want to—you don’t have to get married anymore to live your life with style.”

Want more specifics on why you should celebrate being single? Here, 10 fascinating benefits to being unmarried:

Reason #1: You have a better body.
We’ve all been there—you get into a relationship, and suddenly you’re trying out new recipes all the time and cuddling instead of exercising. Well, things tend to get worse with marriage. A recent Cornell University study found that women generally gain five to eight pounds in the first few years of marriage and unhappily married women gain an average of 54 pounds in the first 10 years.

For the unmarried, though, the motivation to stay slim remains: “Singles look at themselves through the eyes of others and want to be attractive to potential partners,” says Susan Davis, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City, “so they’re still ‘working on themselves.’” In short, being single is way better than any New Year’s resolution or exercise DVD to motivate you to stay in shape.

Reason #2: You’re more likely to achieve great things.
It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you have the time, the quiet and the lack of familial responsibilities. In fact, your premarital motivation to excel in life may be biologically programmed. According to a study conducted at the London School of Economics and Political Scientists, male scientists who stay single longer peak in their careers later in life and tend to be more productive than their married counterparts. Researchers theorize that men, in general, may show off their talents to win the interest of women and then, once they’ve won a wife, get comfortable and do less. In fact, studies have shown that testosterone levels, which boost action, decrease after a man gets married and has children. So single folk should know they are primed to achieve — whether that means turbo-charging their careers or honing their rock-climbing skills — and get out there and work it!

Reason #3: You do less housework.
You know that saying about a tree falling in a forest and there’s no one there to hear it? Well, if you leave a sock on the floor but there’s no one else there to see it, does it really need to be picked up? If you’re a single woman, you can contemplate deep questions like this one because you have more free time. According to one study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, women do less housework when single than when married. Men, on the other hand, do more housework when unmarried (that’s probably because there’s someone picking up after them once they’re wed…). So the message here is for unmarried women to enjoy their less chore-filled life; fill those free hours with classes, good books, blabbing with friends—whatever makes you happy.

Reason #4: You can do what you want with your money—including keep it.
Go ahead: Splurge on that pricey moisturizer or that obscenely large plasma TV you’ve been lusting after. You don’t have to justify your purchase to anyone but yourself. Once you mix money with marriage, though, things change—and fast. According to a survey by SmartMoney magazine, 40 percent of women and 36 percent of men have lied to their spouses about a purchase. “When you’re single, your finances are your own,” explains Phyllis Chase, a Los Angeles–based psychologist and co-host of the radio show Shrink Rap. “When you’re married, you have to deal with different styles of spending and saving, and you may take on your partner’s debt.” And a marriage that doesn’t make it for the long haul can also have a major negative effect on one’s wealth. According to researchers at Ohio State University’s Center for Human Resource Research, during a divorce, men and women generally lose three-fourths of their personal net worth. Double ouch.

Reason #5: You have better sex.
Married couples may have more sex (approximately 98 times a year vs. singles’ 49), but singles have better sex. According to a recent study published in the British Medical Journal, married women are significantly more likely to report problems with their sex lives than single women. “People who are dating have better sex because it’s novel,” says Davis. “Married people have to relearn how to play. It’s natural for singles because that’s the nature of a courting relationship—they tease, they experiment, they explore.” Nature lends a helping hand, too. According to researchers at the University of Pisa in Italy, raging testosterone levels in both men and women makes the sex hotter during the first two years of a relationship. After that, other hormones take over—most notably, oxytocin, a bonding chemical, kicks in. While getting connected and comfortable is a positive step in a relationship, long-term lovers have to work harder to keep things hot in the bedroom. Singles, however, sizzle just the way they are.

Reason #6: You’re better rested and smarter.
While snuggling up next to a warm body can be pretty fantastic, according to a survey conducted by the National Sleep Foundation, your bedmate can cause you to lose an average of 49 minutes of sleep per night. Sleeping two-to-a-bed just isn’t as restful as snoozing solo. Other studies confirm that singles generally get more rest — seven to eight hours of sleep a night — than marrieds, which enhances memory, mood and concentration, as well as allows your immune system to recharge. And, according to scientists at the University of Luebeck in Germany, creativity and problem-solving may directly correlate with getting enough sleep. In the study, participants were given a math puzzle; those who’d had eight hours of sleep or more before tackling it were three times more likely to get the right answer than those who slept less. So, singles, revel in the fact that you’re alert, rested and have that extra brain-power edge.

Reason #7: You’re less depressed.
Although the media often perpetuates the image of single people being down in the dumps, overall unmarried people tend to be happier than their married counterparts—if you’re a woman, that is. One report by the World Health Organization indicated that married women, especially ones with children, have a higher risk for depression than single women, and researchers at the University of London found that single women generally have fewer mental-health issues. “Marriage, in many ways, seems to benefit men more than women,” says Davis. “For women, there’s more of a loss of self.” And, of course, today’s women often feel like they need to do it all—have a career, take care of the kids and perform other traditionally “female” responsibilities. “People who aren’t married are still investing in themselves,” says Davis. “It’s not selfish—it’s giving to yourself, and that’s something married people can learn from single people.”

Reason #8: You have better friendships.
Significant others are a wonderful thing, no doubt, but friends count, too. And on that front, one study found that, when women get married and have children, they spend much less time with their friends—less than five hours a week, down from 14 hours. Singles, however, often have the greatest sense of friendship and community—which can actually decrease stress levels, according to researchers at UCLA.

Here's another way to look at this: “Singles don’t rely on just one person to meet their needs. You don’t automatically know who you’re going to spend Friday night with,” says Sasha Cagen, author of Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics. “The plus side is that you have a lot of different people in your life and potentially a greater sense of social possibilities.”

Reason #9: Your travel tales are enviable.
Marrieds take the most vacations, dominating the market with 62 percent of all trips taken, but singles arguably go on more interesting trips. According to the Travel Industry Association of America, singles corner the adventure-travel market, engaging in activities like whitewater rafting, scuba diving and mountain biking. Being single and relatively footloose certainly allows you to expand your geographical — and personal — borders. “I have lived abroad, backpacked for close to a year, have been in love three times and much more,” says Courtney Davis, 27, a media-relations manager in Boston. “With every place and every person, my world has expanded.”

Reason #10: You know yourself—and what you want out of a relationship.
You’re a better catch now than you were at 20. You may have signs of, ahem, experience etched on your face, but that’s OK because you’re more interesting and more self-aware. Not only have you grown as a person, but you’ve probably been through the ringer a few times in matters of love and now know what you want—and what you don’t. Experts say that bodes well for future marital success and may actually decrease the likelihood of divorce. “When people get married young, they often feel like the other person will complete them, and they have trouble moving past that Hollywood myth,” explains Chase. “But maturity brings so much, because if you’re able to communicate who you are and what you want, the better your chances of having a successful marriage.” And that’s a wonderful message: Your single self is great... and should you find the right person and decide to marry, you’re more likely to thrive in that stage of your life, too.

Dawn Yanek is the author of How to Find the Right Person in 90 Days and Women’s Best-Kept Secrets. She frequently appears on VH-1, MSNBC, and other networks as a commentator on relationships, celebrities and lifestyle trends.

What MEN consider romantic
By Steve Friedman

Men may not melt over flowers or candlelit dinners, but there are ways to sweep them off their feet. Here’s how. Many women consider men romance-deficient. However, I can say with confidence that these women are wrong. The problem isn’t that we lack romance. We have plenty of romance. We’re unbelievably romantic. The problem is that we define romance differently than you do. And, just as the most clueless guy can learn to buy tickets to a night of interpretive dance followed by a rousing morning of flea-market shopping, you members of the fairer sex might do well to consider what he wants. Hint: It’s not interpretive dance and flea-market shopping. So, here’s a primer for understanding what gestures men consider romantic. I’ll start with me:

Romance rule #1: Don’t expect anything in return:
Michelle and I had been dating a little over a month when Valentine’s Day occurred. She’d invited me over to her place, where she was going to cook dinner. I brought some flowers and chocolates, because I’m a guy. When I entered her apartment, I could smell the steak broiling, the apple pie cooling. Very nice. But what was even nicer was her: A low-cut little cocktail dress. High heels. A string of pearls. An apron. (I’m not presumptuous enough to say it was every man’s fantasy, but being mine was good enough.) We kissed, we hugged, we ate. And all was good and romantic, until, just before dessert, Michelle rose from her chair, walked behind me to nibble an ear, then said, “OK, now help me clean up.”

Women, we men folk are all about sharing and caring and doing our part to ensure fair wages and an equitable distribution of housework and whatever else we’re supposed to be all about. But when we think of romance — and we do, we really, really do — we do not think of enforced reciprocity. Just as you want us to buy you things and treat you to dinner and tell you how beautiful you are because we want to, we want you to be affectionate and giving and do the steak and apple-pie cooking because you want to. You don’t want us to say, at the end of a romantic evening, “OK, now help me with the check,” or “I shelled out a lot of cash, sweetie, now it’s your turn to pony up.” Likewise, we don’t want “will you please help clean up” to be part of a deeply romantic gesture. In most guys’ eyes (and hearts and other parts of the anatomy), romance means giving. Not sharing or swapping favors. Giving. We like it when you understand that.

Romance rule #2: Take charge:
Men are generally left with some or most of the burden of organizing outings, so the day you turn the tables on him and arrange the whole deal will be close to his heart. My good friend was really struck when his wife threw him a surprise birthday party on the beach, complete with a bar full of tequila and cable TV so he wouldn’t miss any football games and lose track of his fantasy football league. For one friend of mine, having a weekend-long mountain biking trip planned in Big Sur was a highlight—especially because there’s something about the view from a mountaintop, and you with him, that gets a guy feeling very amorous.

Romance rule #3: Add a humorous twist:
Men generally don’t go for sappy love notes, but if they’ve got a sense of humor or something else going for them, recognizing that can be very effective. My friend Dan says he still fondly thinks of the girlfriend “who made her own fortune cookie fortunes — not the cookie, just the fortune — and would hide them throughout my apartment, in my wallet, a book I was reading, bedside stand and even luggage. I don’t know how she did it, but she had them printed in red ink, with those little half-cut holes that come on real fortune cookies. She would come up with great quotes and would print the date next to them. Like, ‘Time spent with you multiplies my happiness exponentially.’”

Romance rule #4: Sex should be involved, almost always:
Call us simple-minded brutes, but for men, sex and romance are so inextricably linked. Pretty much any effort you make in the bedroom is automatically romantic. Not just fun, but romantic. He’ll feel closer to you—and you to him as a result, which is really what this is all about. If you’re not sure how to jump-start things, know that lingerie will usually do the trick. What you should wear and how to spring it on him depends largely on the guy. As my friend Jack put it, “If you’re 30 and under, a romantic gift to a guy really is (sad to admit) a woman in some clichéd, too-small, black-and-red lingerie outfit. We don’t need dinner,” he says. “If you’re over 30, a romantic gift can sometimes be a ski weekend (or any other activity-oriented getaway). Lingerie is still part of the equation, but not the trashy kind at this stage.”

Romance rule #5: Prove you’ve got him pegged:
One man’s dream of the perfectly romantic day might be drinking 40’s of Budweiser together and going to Yankee Stadium for a baseball game. Another might prefer a day of hiking followed by a trip to the hot springs. For another it is going out for brunch and lazing around in the café, drinking coffee and reading the paper. What’s your guy’s favorite activity? Once you figure it out, give it to him. The more I heard from my friends, the more I realized how different we were. Not just from women, from each other. I have never gone for fancy lingerie—it’s always seemed too calculated, too cheesy. And I prefer to read novels and biographies over fortunes, no matter how sweet the intentions of the fortune-teller. Fantasy football? No thanks. All a woman has to do is to show she understands me and is deeply fond of the guy she understands. Then, I’m all hers.

Steve Friedman is the author of The Gentleman’s Guide To Life.
Article courtesy of Happen magazine, www.happenmag.com.

Cute ways to get close
By Maggie Kim

It’s the end of your first date and suddenly, your date’s personal space seems like a no-fly zone. Breaking the physical barrier for the first time can seem daunting, but here are some real people’s creative maneuvers to get touchy-feely—without seeming creepy.

1. Do a practice touch.
Going for a hand-hold or kiss after not having touched a person at all can be anxiety-provoking for both of you. But casually touching the person mid-conversation gets you both used to being close, which makes things easier later. “I’ll often touch people to emphasize a point, show empathy or even to highlight humor, like an affectionate light slap on the arm,” explains John Emch from Seattle, WA. A similar strategy is to make a relatively big move—but then back off. Peter B. from New York, NY, does this by putting his arm around a date and then removing it. “I’ll just throw my arms around a girl’s shoulder like I would a friend’s at the start of a date,” he says. “It lightens the vibe up immediately because it’s just me being friendly.” It also sends the message early on that he’s interested, which lets his date give her own cues freely and without fear of rejection.

2. Rely on chivalry.
Small, gentlemanly gestures are an unthreatening way to make contact. “I hold my hand out to help a date out of a taxi,” says Jeremy Kagan from New York, NY. “It's polite, and it allows my date to be the one to actually reach out.” Put your hand on your date’s lower back as you go through a door, or help your honey out of a car—or into a coat. “My ex-boyfriend used to help me with my coat, then lift my hair out from under the coat for me,” says Ann Lee from Philadelphia, PA. “It was thoughtful and also sensual to have his hands brush against my neck and stroke my hair.” And ladies, there’s no need to wait for the guy to make a move. “If I’m walking with my date, I reach for his arm so we wind up linking arms,” says Megan of Morristown, NJ.

3. Lean in.
When you’re sitting very close together, the space you must cross to touch one another becomes much smaller—and less terrifying. “I took my now-girlfriend to a concert in the park,” says Bryan Dunn from Austin, TX. “It was really crowded, so we had to stand close together... and that kind of closeness often leads to kissing.” You can get the same effect by sitting right next to each other at a tiny café table, too. Even if you’re not in a crowd or sitting right next to each other, try lowering your voice gradually over the course of the date—you’ll find yourselves leaning closer just to talk, with your faces getting nearer to each other than they would be otherwise.

4. Cook something up.
During at-home dates, teaming up in the kitchen lends itself to getting cozy. “As a chef, I know for a fact that asking your date to help in the kitchen is a good way to initiate touching,” says Matthew K. from Portland, ME. “You make contact when your bodies pass by each other in the close quarters or when you show your date how to chop properly.”

5. Sniff it out.
An innocent excuse to zoom in on a person’s touch zone sends the message that you’re interested in more, and you don’t have to be brazen to pull it off. “I was at a bar with a guy who seemed too shy to make a move, so I sniffed the air near him and said, ‘Wow, what’s that smell?’” says Stasia King from Los Angeles, CA. “I sniffed all around and then zeroed in on his neck area and exclaimed, ‘Oh, it’s you!’ Then I leaned in for a long, slow, circular inhale just under the earlobe. He got the picture after that.”

6. Pick a hands-on date activity.
For an easy intro, choose an activity that requires closeness anyway. “I take my dates salsa dancing,” says Johnny F. from Houston, TX. “You have no choice but to touch each other and move together in a pretty sexy way. Even if you’re not good dancers, you can laugh about how you’re missing the steps.” If dancing isn’t your style, try something else physically active (like rock climbing) that requires participants to make contact.

7. Be direct.
What keeps many people from breaking the touch barrier is not knowing whether their dates are interested. Being brave enough to ask makes it obvious that you are looking for contact, and you two will know what to do next. “I’ve really been straightforward,” says Leonard R. from Los Angeles, CA. “I just say, ‘Can I kiss you?’ It’s worked out pretty well!” Tina H. from Miami, FL, puts a fun twist on it. “I’ve said to guys, ‘You want to kiss me, don’t cha?’ They love it because it takes the pressure off them but it’s still light and fun.”

Maggie Kim is a freelance writer and singer-songwriter in New York City. Find her at www.maggiekim.com.

You met online. Do you say so?
By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

So that profile you winked at is now your sweetie. Do you tell the world how you hooked up—or keep it a secret? Learn the new rules right here, thanks to our exclusive survey results and some savvy online daters.

"So how'd you two meet?" Show up to any social event with a date, and you're bound to hear this question. And for the many people who've met someone through an online dating site, it can feel like a tough one to answer. While some people have no qualms about sharing the details, others feel a bit embarrassed to go public with the information, somehow feeling it would be more "appropriate" if they had met their date just by accident, without really trying.

So what are the new rules of explaining how you met your online love? We asked that very question to over 10,000 respondents. Check out the eye-opening results below, and read our experts' and real couples' advice on how to know which approach is best for you—and how to pull it off with panache.

1) 47% of respondents tell the truth and nothing but the truth.
Nearly half of you have no problem telling the world you met someone online. "I would be more uncomfortable telling someone that we met in a bar than that we met online," says Michael Lasky, co-author of Online Dating for Dummies, who met his wife online. "I mean, what's the message of meeting in a bar? 'I drink and I found someone who looked attractive' versus 'I met somebody online,' which means I'm probably very busy, confident enough to try something different, and am looking for someone with similar interests. Which option is more attractive to you?"

How to know if this approach is for you:
People who've fallen head-over-heels for their online amour tend to be more willing to share the truth with others, says Lasky. So if you're happily hooked up, who cares if you're met with a surprised reaction from someone about how you met? You're in love, after all! But if, on the other hand, you're still in the early dating stages and aren't sure the relationship will last for the long haul, you and your date may prefer to keep things under wraps until later. The more confident you become in your relationship, the less likely you'll give a hoot who knows minor details of how your paths crossed.

How to pull it off with panache:
Announce your online liaison with enthusiasm—if you act apologetic, people will read between the lines and draw the conclusion that you have something to be embarrassed about. "I definitely admit openly and excitedly that I have met this wonderful man online," says Jayne, 40, from New York, NY. "Because I'm so positive about web dating, people respond positively."

2) 41% of respondents tell some people the truth, but not others.
No matter how fabulous that person they met online is, a fair portion of respondents still weren't comfortable with everyone knowing how they met—which is why they only tell certain people the whole story. "I've never been totally honest about online dating," admits Laura, 31, of Garden City, KS. "I know that polls say almost everyone does it, but there are friends of mine, particularly guys, to whom I'd never admit that I met a dude online." So what Laura will do is pick and choose who gets the truth. "I tell the truth to my girlfriends or anyone who mentions they date online, but for everyone else I just talk about 'my date,' not 'Billy from Match.com.' "

How to know if this approach is for you:
This approach is best for people who enjoy gabbing about their dating life (what fun is it if you can't spill some juicy details?) but swim in circles that might be more judgmental. So ask yourself: Would my life be easier (and lecture-free) if my parents thought I met my sweetie at a lovely little dinner party? Would mentioning online dating lead to a gazillion embarrassing questions when out to lunch with a posse of married pals? In these situations, some people will decide that perhaps a white lie is best.

How to pull it off with panache:
Take a cue from the circle you're in. If they're good friends of yours, know that you've posted a profile, or if they mention knowing people who date online, you should be in the clear. If, however, you are amid judgmental types, tell them you met at the place where you had your first date, whether that's the local Starbucks or over sangria and tapas. After all, it is true that's where you two first met—and this way you won't have to go back on your word if you decide to elaborate about the online thing later on.

3) 13% of respondents fib about the fact that they met online.
In spite of the fact that online dating has reached a high level of acceptance in today's world, a few respondents still prefer to keep mum. "I could never muster the nerve to tell people I'd met my boyfriend online,'" says Jennifer, 30, Oklahoma City, OK. "So, I would tell different stories. For work people or extended family, I'd say we met at a party or through friends or something. Sometimes if we were with a group of people we didn't know, we'd concoct fantastic stories. My favorite was when my guy told someone that we met through our Chinese delivery guy who mixed up our orders. It's so preposterous people never questioned it. That's what made it fun."

How to know if this approach is for you:
If you're highly sensitive to people's opinions of you or worry that some people might make a joke about online dating that would sting, fibbing may be the most comfortable way for you to go.

How to pull it off with panache:
Concocting some wild story with your date and telling it to a group of people you'll never see again may be fun. But when you're talking to close friends and family members, make sure you and your date have your story straight and stick to it—or it can backfire, badly. "If you go down a false path and get tripped up, it's pretty embarrassing," says Lasky. "And if you then reveal 'we met online' after lying, everyone is going to think you covered it up for a reason, so there must have been something wrong with it." There clearly isn't, but that's how you'll be portraying your relationship.

Instead, just pick an interest that the two of you share—and probably mentioned in your profile—like a love of animals, an appreciation of fine wine, or a talent for race-walking, and say that's what brought you together. Because, in truth, it pretty much did. Or summon your courage and tell the honest truth: The bottom line is, you've met someone you like — and could possibly love — online. What's so bad about that?

Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a freelance writer and Broadway performer living in New York City who has yet to find Prince Charming online, but thinks she might "Tell some, not others" if she did.

Online Dating--
You met online. Will it last?
By Andrea Baker, Ph.D.

As part of my research on online relationships, I’ve spent many years writing and talking to couples who met online, and I’ve learned a lot about online relationships in that time. The 90 couples I studied for my latest book range in age from 18 to 67 and come from all regions of the U.S. and beyond. I wanted to find out what couples who met online and stayed together had in common, and what made them different from those who eventually split up. What I learned is that whether a relationship succeeded was determined by what I call the POST factors:

Place:  The locations where couples met, both online and offline, affected how long their relationships lasted. In general, couples who met online at a place of common interest, such as an online game or a chat room discussing specific topics, were more successful.

When it came time to meet offline for the first time, people who met at each other’s homes stayed together more than those meeting at hotels or other public places—ironically, considering that the typical advice is to meet somewhere public for safety’s sake. That may be because these couples had developed a high level of trust over the weeks or months that they communicated online.

Obstacles: Another major factor is how couples were able to overcome obstacles to their relationship, such as other existing relationships or distance. The more smoothly couples handled these obstacles, the higher their probability of staying together.

Self-Presentation: Online communication provides plenty of opportunity to disguise your appearance, age, weight, height, or so forth. But the couples that lasted did not deceive each other. In fact, many couples were “hyper-honest,” as I call it, describing themselves in detail. Some placed less emphasis on physical appearance; a few couples did not even exchange photos before meeting. As one man said, “I knew I had to meet her no matter what our chemistry…I actually booked a flight to visit her before I even saw a picture. I told her that we connected so well that I just had to meet her even if we didn't click.”

Timing:  Successful couples generally waited to meet offline until they had communicated at length. They spent time and energy becoming acquainted with each other’s likes, dislikes, values and lifestyles. Another dimension here is how quickly or slowly people explored their sexuality online. Those who waited to meet in-person to become intimate usually did better than those who engaged in cybersex before that point.

A final factor that played a key role: C for Communication. Good communication really helped in all the areas above, for example, in deciding where to meet offline, in negotiating where to live, in presenting themselves openly, and in deciding when to take the relationship offline. Couples were able to “practice” getting along online before having to solve problems of relating that all couples encounter in everyday life. And reaching agreement through written and phone communication provided a foundation for the future courses of their relationship.

Andrea Baker, Ph.D. (bakera@ohiou.edu), is a sociology professor at Ohio University Lancaster. She studies relationships in cyberspace, online communities, and the ethics of internet research, and is currently examining how emotions are communicated through email or chat of online couples. You can read more about the research described in this article in her new book, Double Click (Hampton Press, 2005).